The Story of Jesus Christmas

I haven't posted an entry on this for a really long time. I haven't even gone to church for an even longer time. But for some reason, I felt absolutely compelled to go because of a promise I feel I made with God that if He can answer my prayers, the least I could do is give Him an hour of my day. It was worth it because I saw the people who I miss so much and I will see most of them again on Tuesday. And it kind of inspired me to go through the meaning of Christmas again and trying...TRYING to take the focus away from my self-absorption and insecurities and think about someone else for once.

Even though the lead pastor of the church spoke in regards to Tiger Woods' sins and Augustine's repentance, Pastor Chen also did an amazing job establishing the political and social atmospheres of Rome at the time Jesus was born--something that most pastors neglect. I'm not sure why that was important to the sermon, since I had to leave early but I think it's to get a glimpse of the challenges Joseph and Mary faced at the time.

I like the book of Luke. Luke was a doctor who likes guts, and you know that I like doctors regardless of their admiration for human guts.

So Luke starts out like this where he thinks all things are possible through Christ and through menopause. Apparently, Herod's priests are allowed to have wives so Zachariah took this opportunity to try and make some offspring but he was too late. He married this lady named Elizabeth who was less like a queen and more like my Mom whose hot flashes are impairing her reasoning ability to trust in the Lord. Then God sent super-angel Gabriel who brings some good news and some bad news to Zachariah.

Gabriel: I'm Gabriel. I bring you some good news and some bad news. What would you like to hear first?
Zachariah: Good news.
G: Good news is, you're going to have a son named John.
Z: What's the bad news?
G: He's gonna be sober for the rest of his life.
Z: Cool!
G: And you're going to be blind until he's born.
Z: Oh.
G: And mute.
Z: Fmylife.

Moral of this conversation: This is what you get when you believe God can't overcome menopause. And to add more salt to the wound, Luke says that Z "remained dumb" (1:22) when he left the temple. How awkward must that be. You question a superangel, he tells you that you're going to be blind and mute, and then Luke calls you stupid. But somehow despite all these physical barriers, Z gets laid and E is preggers. Everyone is happy except for John who will never have the same 21st b-day experience that I had.

Now the real story begins when superangel Gabriel sparkles in front of Mary the Virgin and another conversation goes on. This time, with slightly better results.

G: Z and E just had a wonderful baby and I'ma let them finish but Mary, you gonna have the baddest Baby of all time!

And like E, M goes:

M: Dude, I'm a virgin. Joseph ain't gettin' any of this yet. But if God can overcome menopause, then I don't need a man to make a baby. The last time I heard, all you need is a birth canal and you're all set.

So I guess M decided to visit E to see the menopause miracle causing John's fetus to leap all around making the Bible very, very pro-life. Every woman in the house then sings songs of conquering menopause and the decreasing role of males in genetic recombination. Within a couple verses, John is upgraded from a leaping fetus to a sober baby. Z is absolutely overjoyed as he can now get laid without being dumb, blind, and mute. I'd be praising God too and never doubt that something so silly like estrogens could stop God from making leaping fetuses of joy.

Fast forward to Luke chapter 2, Caesar Augustus is absolutely fed up with uneducated Roman citizens so everyone needs to go home and stay put for a while as the Caesar tries to sort out his Roman migraine. Joseph, who has a legacy more impressive than the Kennedys, is one (un)lucky guy who's fiancee can become pregnant without him actually making any physical contact with her. M's water obviously broke at the worst time possible as they had to wrap the Baby in whatever they could find in a place where livestock reeked.

Now, this is the baddest Baby of all time and there is absolutely no way that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were going to upstage these baby pictures. A bunch of angels then decided it would be a wonderful idea to ambush a lucky group of shepherds into visiting Jesus. M is really a good sport and all about letting strangers sing songs of joy to her Baby but I would be too if there were a bunch of angels standing outside ready to trumpet any human being into the ground.

This is the story of Christmas. The wise men didn't come until a year or two later but I'd rather be a shepherd. Think of how wonderful it would have been to see the God of the Universe looking like the most adorable Pea in a Pod. I would be moved and take care of sheep for the rest of my life. I like eating them, but being around them is just as much fun.