Shine, Shine, 2009

2009 is probably the craziest year of my life. And it most likely will be for a very long time. More things happened to me this one year than probably the last 20 years of my life combined and I want to highlight the people and the moments that made this year the most miserable and the most amazing year so far.

I would have never imagined that not going to pharmacy school and “taking a year off” would provide so many new experiences. On December 22, 2008, I found out my grades for the 1st semester of junior year, and was hit with the realization that I was not going to pharmacy school next year no matter how hard I could try to recover in my last semester at UOP. Following that day, the people who I spoke to, you all knew it was the worst three to four months of my life. Daniel Wang, Sarah Hoffman, and Angela Chan: without you three, I don’t think I’d be smiling today. I think, and you three would definitely agree, that I wouldn’t be alive today if it wasn’t for you three to help me through the darkest moments of my life. Because of you three, I can keep going and keep doing what I want to do.

I could go on and on about what went down, which really defined the way this year was shaped but I’m not going to. I want to focus on the most defining things that came out of 2009 for me.

First and foremost was Alpha Phi. Even though most of you didn’t know what was going on, I can’t thank you enough for the shelter and escape you gave me from school and my predicaments when I came to the house. Even though I knew this place couldn’t resolve what I was going through, it provided me the escape that I needed when I was overwhelmed. Cat Cho, Dana, my big, little, twin, Dang, Rhobe, Hooton, Lola, Yeli, Karen-time: you girls made me laugh and forget all my problems when I came over, and that was all I needed to go on for another day. I never ever would have thought in my life I’d be in a sorority or wish I’d live in a house governed by estrogen.

Secondly, who knew that not going to pharmacy school meant I’d have the next best thing: Tom, Elisa, Ari, Mandy, Shu Han, Mil, Kris, Kristin, Steph, Eleni, Ashley, Carina, Christine, Tony, Debbie, Norma, Stacey, Lupe, and Daniel. I think my training was probably the most painful you guys ever had to deal with but I’m thankful for every day you all put up with me and are willing to teach me so much. Despite the grief and frustration that I’ve brought along, you’ve made my experience with pharmacy so much better and something I want to do even more now than when I was at UOP. There were moments I wished I quit, but for every moment I wanted to, you guys provided twice the amount of new lessons, skills, challenges, and encouragement for me to stay on track. I don’t know about you but personally I’m glad I ended up with you guys. Thank you for making this such a great experience so far. I can’t believe it’s already been 6 months!

Thirdly, has to be my family who returned as the center focus of my life. I put you guys through so much. I can’t believe how much we’ve been through. From January to June, I’m pretty convinced we were probably the most miserable family in a twenty-mile radius because of extenuating circumstances. Behind the family outings, behind the gifts, behind the hellos and goodbyes, we had issues. Oh boy, we had issues that ran 8 miles deep yet I’m amazed how much we overcame. We still got a long way to go but I want to highlight some memories that I felt defined our year together: the Burberry watch + Christmas bird, the Asparagus Festival, meeting Martin Yan, the 5000 phone conversations you received during my last semester at UOP (it seemed like 5000), Starbucks with Dad, hanging out with Dad when Mom was in M’asia, Dim sum disasters, hospital trips, Monterey, Half Moon Bay, Carmel, Cirque du Soleil’s KA, Prada, Best Buy at 3AM, the Hayward dilemma, movie nights, Rosie McCann’s, the day we went to SJ Airport 3 times, flying to 3 different states, pretty necklaces, girls’ night with Mom + Aunt Kim and Kim’s infamous “I wonder where I stand” quote, Blink-182/Weezer/Taking Back Sunday and long-boarding and go-karting fail with my brother, and the first Christmas present exchange in my family.

Fourthly, the friends I reconnected with lightened up the last two months of this year: Ashley, Scott, Justin, Katherine, Hayne, Sarah, Gab, Iris, and Chris. The new friends I met, thanks to Christine, made things a lot more interesting: Mico, Maybel, Joe. I feel like I am living the life I never got during college because I was constantly being plagued by insecurities and issues with what I wanted to do in life and how I was going to get there. Some of you are aware that I have some sort of anti-social sort of mood going on, which I am trying so hard to break out of. I think I’m doing a much better job of that now and I hope you can see that as pretty much say yes to nearly everything now instead of making up new excuses why I can’t be seen. Some of the things I want to mention that made this year memorable: D&B with Hayne and Alex, Justin’s hangover and realization that Ashley was a Jew, NYE at Straits, Santa Cruz time with Sarah, coffee/tea time with Sarah, Halloween with Sarah, Temple, movies with D. Wang, X-amount of hour-long conversations with Tan, Daniel, Ryan, and others I just can’t remember, yikes, Santa Cruz before graduation. I feel like I’m leaving off a lot of people here, the psych kids (Jake, Anthony, Mae, and Chris W).
Fifth, the professors I encountered this year really defined my academic experience: Wrisch, Land, Dai, Ram, Nieto, and Severet. In one year, 6 out of my 7 favorite professors were either teaching me, encouraging me, and/or challenging me more than I’ve ever had during my first two years of college. This was the year of super professors. I believe I had the best professors that both UOP and Hayward’s got to offer and I’m kind of scared to see of what 2010 will bring because I don’t think it can top off the mentors I encountered in 2009.

Lastly, there’s no amount of words for me to describe the troubles that changed my perception on life this year. I want to bring up two friends of mine whom I’ll never see again because of incidents that were beyond their control. Both of them had a huge impact on an issue that was going on in my life and as much as I and everyone that knew them wished they were here today, I’m thankful for the influence they have on my life even at this point.

I think the person that people saw on January 1, 2009 and the person that people saw on December 31, 2009 are two different people. I came into 2009 with dread, fear, anxiety, helplessness, sadness, sleeplessness, insecurity, and a lot of apologies. I can’t even put into words about the emotions I felt during January except that I hope the first 5 months of 2009 are something I would never have to experience again. However, the last 3 months of 2009 were nothing short of exciting, unpredictable, scary, painful, insightful, and I’ve emerged with a renewed sense of determination.

Before this year, I have never gone to a concert, never longboarded, never went to downtown SJ, never seen Cirque du Soleil, never had a job that I actually looked forward going to, never taken a taxi, never had a nice Vietnam War veteran who loved rodeo in Vegas pay for my taxi fare, never been to 2 different states on opposite sides of the country in 2 weeks, never had 6 hours of sleep in 4 days (for finals), never met a celebrity, never had three consecutive gatherings in a row (Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's), and never partied beyond my house to celebrate the New Year’s. Call me boring all you want. The difference between me now and me back in Jan 2009 is that I believe myself to be boring, but I just really don't care at this point. I've already spent way too much of my life insecure about what I haven't done yet. I think it's about time I actually just do it instead of thinking about it.

In conclusion, the same problems that followed me during 2009 are still following me in 2010. However, I feel that something's different this time. I feel like I’m more prepared and wanting to see what’s to come instead of dreading it. I wonder if I’ll make it to pharmacy school, if I’ll meet someone special, if my friends will still be there, if my family can settle down, if anything from the last year or even the last decade will have any kind of closure.

Nonetheless, this year has been one very wild ride. And instead of trying to take control, I think this time I’ll just sit back and see where it will take me.